Best email I have ever received, Random Thoughts

I think everyone who grew up in the 90s will appreciate this email I received today. It made my day, I think everyone can relate to at least one thing on here.



"Random Thoughts"
I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

That's enough, Nickelback.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f * ck was going on when I first saw it.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that, Both go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past and that?s is when I realized, yup, that?s a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats can re cognize their own image.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I?m trying to finish a text.

A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories

Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren?t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don?t win, they are executed.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I?m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I?d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There?s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

Yard Ideas

I found this awesome planter and its DIY which makes it even better for poor newlyweds. It's made out of cinder blocks and is space efficient which makes it 50 times better! Take a looksy! Found tons of cool ideas on www.ohdeedoh.com

April 24, 2010

So I know I should be posting this with pictures, but they are on Evan's phone and I don't know how to upload them. Sorry folks. Anyways I finally ran 13.1 miles and it wasn't that enjoyable believe it or not. Evan was a wonderful husband and got up with me the morning of at 5:30 am and we drove down to Thanksgiving Point. While talking about all the freakishly skinny runners there we started placing bets on who would win this. Evan is really good on helping me not get stressed out about stuff, so this talk helped ease the nerves. So by the time we started I was in a great mood laughing with him and it all got started. It was actually a pretty course it went through the Thanksgiving Point golf course that had the tulips blooming and other flowers so it wasn't dull by any means. The only downfall of the golf course are the out of control hills, no thanks on that. I was feeling good all the way until mile 10 when I just decided I felt like dying. My feet were hurting with the new shoes and all, (read previous post) and I was starting to feel some major rubbage. (Is that a word, if not I just made it up) On top of it, this 75 year old Grandma would pass me, walk and as soon as I would catch up she would start running. At mile 11 she explained to me that I was motivating her. Oh thanks, I'm glad a 75 year old lady is running faster then me, confidence booster sunk by 100 points. On top of that this old lady is talking like its no big deal. Asking where I'm from, am I in school, am I married? I was barely gasping out replies and finally she realized she might have a death on her hands if she kept on chatting with me so she picked up the pace and passed me again. Wonderful. At this point I was keeping my goal pace of 9:30-10:00 minute miles. But by mile 11 to mile 12 with my feet, I swear I could feel the blisters forming I got a wonderful 13 minute mile, by the last mile when people were hustling to the finish oh a wonderful 15 or 16 minute mile. My gas tank was fresh out of juice. I did finish however, with no walking. I kept a constant pace, well minus the last two miles, and as soon as I finished I was on the verge of tears because I saw my time and realized I didn't make my goal. 2:24 was the final time, and I kicked off my shoes to quarter and dime sized blisters on my feet with Evan (the sweetest guy in the world) hugging me and telling me what a great job I did. And here I am almost in tears telling him how I didn't make my goal. Oh well, it's weird how you're emotions get when you're just exhausted. Overall it really was a great experience. Evan even seemed more motivated to maybe run one(maybe he was joking) because he wanted a medal and is more excited for the Wasatch Back we are tackling June 18th. Thanks to everyone for the early morning texts, Tina and Amber! They meant the world to me that you guys were thinking of me that early. And thanks to everyone while I was racing that sent kind words and immediately after as well. And especially thanks to Evan who was there the whole time and was cheering me on throughout the race. Don't think I would've been able to do it without him, he is the best husband in the world and took care of me the whole day. I love you to pieces Ev!

I Hate Feet

If anyone knows me, I hate feet. I think they are possibly the most disgusting part on a persons body. I don't care who you are, my husband, my friend, a baby I don't like your feet. They smell, you are on them all day and they are just plain ugly. If anyone wants to get on my extreme bad side, rub your feet on me and think it's funny. Also when you decide to do this, plan on me not talking to you for a good couple of weeks. It totally grosses me out. The weird part about me hating feet is how much I love running. Running ruins your feet. Ask Evan. I think he is ready to throw up when he looks at mine. Well, seeing how I have to run on Saturday I got new running shoes last Friday. Yes, I'm well aware I should've gotten these new shoes three weeks ago to properly break them in but I didn't. So I have been trying to break these amazing shoes by Saturday. Will it happen? No. Do I have wishful thinking? Yes. Well the result of all these shoe issues are my feet hate life right now. I went to the doctor, for yearly checkups like any individual would and she saw my feet. Her response, you're going to get an infection from how awful those are. Super. Her solution? Wrap my feet in saran wrap with vaseline. Ok, that sounds fun right? So here I am trying to get my feet all wrapped up, pop all my blisters meanwhile keeping both dogs off the bed so they stop stealing all the equipment I'm using for this project. Evan walks in, you need help? No, I am determined to finish this on my own, because I don't want him touching my feet or anything. I finally get done and I cover this mess in my fuzzy socks(which of course Alta wants to attack this fuzzy monster) and hobble around the house the rest of the night. Long story short, this is the exact reason I hate feet. Salt water is next on the list to get rid of the blisters and liquid bandage. Gotta love feet. P.S. Sorry this post was gross.

Easter

So I know this is a little late but we did have a fun Easter. It all started off with my sister coming into town. Everyone that knows my family, this is fairly rare for her coming with her being in medical school and having the craziest schedule ever. So that alone was the best Easter present ever having her home. We had a big Easter dinner at my parents Saturday night, which included walks down memory lane of my sister's outfits when we were in highschool which put me in hysterics the whole night and Evan looking at me like, did I seriously marry this person? He didn't quite understand the comedy of the whole situation and later told me that I'm heartless and it seemed like a roast against Courtney. Overall we left stuffed and and teary eyed from laughing and pretty tired. Sunday morning we got up and attended Easter service with my family, with the help of some much needed caffefine, and an awesome Red Robin lunch following. After saying adios to Court we headed over to the Howards for an easter egg hunt. I think all my nieces and nephews are the cutest kids ever and seeing them get so excited for easter and opening their baskets and searching for eggs is so fun. Jackson and Owen got these awesome bubble sword things and it's so funny seeing how freaking excited kids get for bubbles. Oh to be a kid again. Bubbles are cool by the way, so I get what they see in it. After lots of food, puppy time, and way too much candy for me at least, we headed home and sat in a coma for quite a while. Our dogs were quite exhausted from the whole ordeal with all the kids playing and them running around the yard with Polly (my in-laws dog). It was a great Easter, minus the weather.
On another note my half marathon is next Saturday, eek! I think I'm ready for it, if not then I guess it's too late now. I have been following this training plan where you run like 3 out of 7 days and then cross train 2 out of the 7 days. So I'm working out it feels like everyday but it's not everyday haha. Evan has been super supportive when I don't want to go, he kinda makes me or I feel guilty and go anyway. Yesterday I did like a 10 mile run in an hour and twenty minutes, so I think I might get a pretty good time on this whole race thing. Let's hope at least! The goal is under 2 hours and twenty minutes, so that's over a 10 minute mile which I would hope I would run faster then that. But enough about running, hope everyone else had a great Easter!

Got Baby?

Why is it that once you are married all people care about is when you are going to have your first baby? Yes I am now married but in no way do I want a child at this point in my life. I just married a beautiful woman and the last thing I want to do is spend less time with her because I have to focus on my duties as a father. Rachel and I have a lot of things we plan to do before having children. If any of you have spent time with us you would know right away that we are having too much fun to stop and have a child right now. Last week I came home with a homeless puppy that I found a work and it solidified the notion that we are not ready for a child. The other night Torre and I were asked to leave the bedroom because we may or may not have been snoring and farting. Half way through the night I can hear someone outside the guest bedroom door swearing up a storm. I also hear the faint sound of dog tags jingling around as Alta dodges the smacks Rachel was delivering. After a bit of contemplation I decided to get up and poke my head out the door. I find my wife on her hands and knees scrubbing what looks like brown pee into the carpet. Alta seemed to have a bit of a stomachache that night and had a few accidents. Our floor looked like a chocolate chip cookie. I really didn’t want to ask but out of respect I said it. What happened honey? She turns with blood shot eyes. There is shit all over our house!!!!!! I do what I can to help, and took the puppy into the guest bedroom with Torre and I.
Its official we are not ready for a kid right now, nor do we want one

Ski Work Day

These people



Plus skiing on this,
alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5455280166846480530" />

and this,


also this,


don't forget these as well,


And the best for last,



Equals the best day, and I get to go home to this



Hope everyone else had an awesome day!